Codependents and the Struggle to Be Their Real, Authentic Self

Codependency is often described as a pattern of self-neglect, people-pleasing, and emotional enmeshment, but at its core, it is a deep struggle with identity. A codependent does not fully know who they are, because for most of their life, they have been shaped by who others wanted them to be.

A Shifting Identity: Becoming Who Others Expect

A codependent is like a chameleon, adapting to every person, every environment, every expectation. They become what each person wants them to be, afraid that if they show their true self, they will be rejected, unloved, or seen as “too much.”

• With one person, they may be soft-spoken and agreeable.

• With another, they may act confident and assertive.

• With a third, they may downplay their needs entirely.

They wear different masks, constantly adjusting themselves to maintain approval, harmony, and acceptance—but at the cost of authenticity.

The Fear of Disapproval: Why Codependents Struggle with Boundaries

At the heart of this struggle is a deep fear of rejection and abandonment. A codependent’s worth is often externally defined—they feel valuable only when they are needed, loved, or validated by others. This makes it difficult to set and uphold boundaries because:

• Saying no feels like losing love.

• Expressing their own needs feels selfish.

• Disagreeing feels like a risk to the relationship.

• Having an opinion feels unsafe because they fear criticism.

Instead of choosing themselves, they betray themselves—suppressing their desires, tolerating mistreatment, and overextending for others.

But the truth is, when you constantly abandon yourself to keep others, you eventually lose yourself completely.

The Exhaustion of Living for Others

Living for others is exhausting.

Constantly performing, pleasing, and perfecting is emotionally draining.

There is no sense of self, only a fragmented identity shaped by external expectations.

Codependents long for authenticity, but fear that being real will mean being unwanted or unworthy.

They want to have a voice, but fear that speaking up will push people away.

They want to be loved for who they truly are, but they don’t even know who that is.

Healing: Returning to Your Authentic Self

Healing from codependency is about reclaiming your identity—learning to recognise, honoru, and express who you are outside of what others expect.

• It’s about setting boundaries without guilt.

• It’s about saying no without explaining.

• It’s about choosing yourself, even when others don’t approve.

• It’s about trusting that real love will never require you to abandon yourself.

The world does not need another version of who you think you should be.

The world needs you—the real you.

And that begins when you stop seeking yourself in others and start finding yourself within.