Signs of Codependency: When Love Becomes Self-Betrayal

Codependency does not always look like desperation or weakness. Sometimes, it looks like being the strong one—the one who never complains, always gives, and puts others first at all costs. It can disguise itself as kindness, loyalty, or selflessness. But in reality, it is a quiet form of self-abandonment.

Many who struggle with codependency do not realise it. They see their behaviours as love, sacrifice, or simply “who they are.” But love does not require you to lose yourself.

Here are some signs of codependency:

1. You struggle to say no.

You agree to things you don’t want to do. You feel guilty when setting boundaries. You worry that saying no will make others angry or cause them to leave. But every time you silence your own needs, you chip away at your own sense of self.

2. You seek validation outside of yourself.

Your sense of worth depends on how others perceive you. If they are happy with you, you feel valuable. If they are disappointed, you feel like a failure. You bend and mold yourself to be who they need you to be, believing that love must be earned.

3. You feel responsible for other people’s emotions.

You carry the weight of others’ problems, trying to fix, heal, and rescue them. You believe it is your job to make them happy, even at the cost of your own well-being. But no amount of self-sacrifice can save someone who does not want to change.

4. You tolerate mistreatment in the hope that love will follow.

You excuse bad behaviour, rationalising that they are “going through something” or “don’t mean to hurt you.” You believe that if you love them enough, they will finally see your worth and change. But love should never require suffering as proof of devotion.

5. You feel empty or lost without someone to care for.

You pour so much into others that when left alone, you feel restless, unfulfilled, or purposeless. You do not know who you are outside of being someone’s caretaker or emotional support. Your identity has become intertwined with meeting the needs of others.

6. You suppress your own emotions to keep the peace.

You avoid conflict, even when something hurts you. You swallow your pain, convincing yourself that “it’s not a big deal.” You fear that expressing your true feelings will push people away, so you suffer in silence.

7. You hold onto relationships that drain you.

Even when you feel neglected, used, or unappreciated, you stay. You believe leaving would make you a bad person, selfish, or unloving. But staying in spaces that diminish you is not love—it is self-neglect.

Breaking Free from Codependency

Healing begins with recognising that love does not require self-sacrifice to the point of self-destruction. You are not here to be the fixer, the rescuer, or the one who constantly bends. True love—whether from others or for yourself—allows you to stand in your worth without fear of rejection.

Ask yourself:

• Where did I learn that my needs don’t matter

• Why do I feel responsible for other people’s happiness?

• Who am I when I am not trying to please, fix, or prove my worth?

Healing from codependency is not selfish—it is an act of self-respect. You were not created to be loved conditionally, only when you are useful, quiet, or endlessly giving. You are worthy of love simply because you exist.

May Allah guide us to relationships that nurture our souls, not ones that require us to lose ourselves. Ameen.