Honouring Parents Without Enduring Harm

In Islam, honouring our parents is a sacred duty. But what happens when the very people who gave us life become a source of deep emotional, psychological, or even physical harm? Are we obligated to endure their mistreatment? Does honouring them mean sacrificing ourselves?

A well known scholar of the past offers profound wisdom: There are two types of parents—those who nourish and uplift and those who wound and harm. If your parents fall into the latter category, distance is not disobedience—it is self-preservation.

The Difference Between Nourishing and Wounding Parents

A loving parent provides more than just food, shelter, and education. They nurture their child’s soul with love, support, and kindness. They guide them with wisdom, correct them with compassion, and build them up instead of breaking them down.

On the other hand, harmful parents:

• Control through guilt, fear, and manipulation

• Dismiss or belittle their child’s emotions and experiences

• Prioritise their own desires over their child’s well-being

• Engage in verbal, emotional, or physical abuse

• Use religion as a tool to justify oppression instead of as a means of mercy

Islam does not demand blind obedience to anyone, not even parents, when it results in harm. Our duty is to honour them, not to endure abuse.

Distance Is Not a Sin - It’s a Form of Protection

Many struggle with guilt when considering distance from harmful parents. But distance does not mean hatred. It does not mean abandoning them. It means protecting your soul while still upholding your Islamic responsibilities.

You can:

• Make du’ā for them without subjecting yourself to harm.

• Offer kindness and respect without allowing abuse.

• Set boundaries to safeguard your emotional and mental health.

• Choose self-preservation while still fulfilling your obligations in a way that does not destroy you.

Sometimes, the greatest form of respect is to pray for someone from afar rather than allowing them to continue hurting you up close.

Islam Does Not Endorse Enduring Abuse

Islam is a religion of justice and balance. Nowhere in the Qur’ān or Sunnah does Allah command us to suffer at the hands of those who mistreat us—whether they are parents, spouses, or anyone else.

The Prophet ﷺ said:

“There is no obedience to creation in disobedience to the Creator.” (Ahmad)

This means that if obeying someone leads to oppression, injustice, or harm, it is not required. Islam commands us to be just—to ourselves and to others. If a relationship is damaging your faith, your mental state, or your dignity, then walking away is not a betrayal of Islam—it is living in alignment with it.

You Are Not Obligated to Carry Their Shadows

The scars inflicted by abusive parents run deep. Many spend years, even decades, trying to earn their love or change them. But the truth is, some people will never change.

You do not have to carry their shadows. You do not have to live in the darkness of their words, actions, or expectations. Your purpose is not to be their emotional punching bag or to sacrifice your peace for their approval.

True honour is in living a life that pleases Allah—not in enduring suffering for the sake of toxic relationships.

Pray for Them, But Also Pray for Yourself

Yes, pray for your parents. Ask Allah to guide them, soften their hearts, and forgive their shortcomings. But also pray for yourself—to heal from the wounds they inflicted, to find the strength to set boundaries, and to live a life free from their emotional chains.

“Your Lord has decreed that you do not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. But if they endeavour to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them. Yet accompany them in this world with appropriate kindness…” (Qur’ān 31:14-15)

This verse teaches balance—being kind and respectful, but not allowing anyone to lead us into harm, even if they are our parents.

Honour Them Without Destroying Yourself

Honouring your parents does not mean accepting mistreatment. It does not mean sacrificing your emotional and mental well-being. It means doing what is right in the eyes of Allah—even if that means loving them from a distance.

You are not sinful for walking away from abuse. You are not disobedient for choosing peace. You are simply choosing to protect your soul while still upholding your Islamic responsibilities in a way that aligns with justice, mercy, and self-respect.

And that, too, is an act of worship.