Misusing the Deen: When Spiritual Abuse Hides Behind Religious Leadership

One of the most dangerous and confusing types of narcissists is the one who hides behind religion. They wear the cloak of piety. They speak the right words, quote the right āyāt, and appear to be deeply spiritual. They perform religious rituals with precision, show up at the masjid regularly, volunteer in the community, and often earn the praise and admiration of those around them.

But behind closed doors, the reality is very different. Their character does not match their religious appearance. They are controlling, emotionally abusive, manipulative, cold, and cruel to the very people Allah entrusted them to protect and care for.

This is not a person of taqwā. This is someone using religion as a mask. And it causes deep spiritual and emotional damage. Not only are the people closest to them harmed, but the beauty of Islam itself is distorted in the eyes of the victims.

A narcissist with a religious facade is not focused on pleasing Allah. They are obsessed with power. They use Islamic teachings selectively to dominate, silence, and shame. They twist Qur’ānic verses and ahadith not to guide others, but to control them.

You may hear them say:

• “You have to obey me no matter what”

• “If you feared Allah, you would stay quiet”

• “You are sinful for not being patient with me”

But they never apply those same teachings to themselves. They demand rights while abandoning their responsibilities. They preach humility while living in arrogance. They speak of mercy while showing none at home. They recite the Qur’ān while their hearts remain far from its message.

Their worship is performative. Their kindness is conditional. Their “advice” is laced with condescension. Their authority is self-serving.

One of the most painful aspects of this type of narcissism is how confusing it can be. The same person who abuses you may also lead du’ā in public. They may praise patience and sabr, while provoking emotional and psychological warfare behind closed doors. This duality creates deep internal chaos. Victims begin to question their own reality, unsure whether they are the problem or if their pain is valid.

This spiritual abuse isolates people further. Because when they try to speak up, others say, “But he is so religious.” They are gaslit into silence, not only by the narcissist, but by a community that has been fooled by the performance.

This is not new. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ warned us of this. He said:

“The worst of people in the sight of Allah on the Day of Judgment is the one who the people avoid because of his evil conduct.”

(Sahih al-Bukhari)

He ﷺ also described the hypocrite as one who, when he speaks, he lies; when he promises, he breaks his promise; and when he is trusted, he betrays.

A narcissist with a religious mask may deceive many, but they cannot deceive Allah. Their spouse may be afraid to speak up. Their children may walk on eggshells. Their victims may feel lost and betrayed by a community that refuses to see beyond the surface. But Allah sees. He knows what happens in the unseen. And His justice is never absent.

Spiritual abuse confuses the heart. It makes people question their connection to Allah. It makes them feel unworthy, sinful, or guilty for standing up to harm. But your relationship with Allah is never dependent on someone else’s false version of Islam. Their abuse is not your fault. And it does not define your imān.

True religiosity is not in how loudly someone speaks or how often they pray in public. It is in akhlaq (character). The Prophet ﷺ said:

“The most beloved of you to me are those who are best in character.”

(Sahih al-Bukhari)

And the Prophet ﷺ was a walking Qur’ān. Gentle. Just. Compassionate. He uplifted women, honoured children, and treated his family with care and love. He was a source of peace, never a source of pain.

So if someone uses Islam to control, instil fear, or keep you silent, that is not piety. That is oppression disguised as religion.

And Allah says in the Qur’ān:

“Indeed, Allah does not like the arrogant and boastful. Those who are stingy and enjoin others to be stingy and conceal what Allah has given them of His bounty — and We have prepared for the disbelievers a humiliating punishment.”

(Sūrah an-Nisā, 4:36-37)

This is a reminder that real faith is generous, humble, and sincere. Not demanding, harsh, or self-serving.

If you are in a situation like this, know that your confusion is valid. The pain of being hurt by someone who claims to represent the deen is one of the heaviest burdens. But Allah sees it all. He will never abandon you. He is the Most Just, the All-Knowing, and the Most Merciful.

Your healing begins when you separate religion from the abuser’s manipulation. When you remember that Islam came to bring peace, not oppression. And when you return to Allah, not through fear or force, but through love and trust.

May Allah protect us from the harm of those who misuse His words. May He guide our hearts to clarity and strength. And may He bring justice and healing to every soul harmed in His name.

Ameen.