Narcissistic Parents: Malignant and Covert – Signs to Look Out For

Narcissistic parents can deeply impact their children’s emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. Unlike healthy parents who nurture and support their children, narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves rather than as individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and needs.

There are two primary types of narcissistic parents:

1. Malignant Narcissistic Parents – Openly cruel, abusive, and controlling. They operate with a sense of superiority, entitlement, and a desire to dominate.

2. Covert Narcissistic Parents – More subtle and manipulative, often playing the victim, guilt-tripping their children, and using emotional abuse to maintain control.

Both types can cripple a child’s sense of self-worth, making them feel like they are never good enough, always walking on eggshells, and constantly seeking approval that never comes.

Signs of a Malignant Narcissistic Parent

Malignant narcissists are openly aggressive and destructive. Their behaviour is overt and extreme, making their toxicity easier to spot.

1. They Are Controlling and Domineering

• Every aspect of your life must align with their wishes.

• They dictate your choices, from what you study to whom you marry.

• Any attempt at independence is met with rage, guilt, or punishment.

2. They Have No Empathy for Your Feelings

• Your emotions do not matter to them.

• If you are hurt, they blame you for being “too sensitive.”

• They will mock or dismiss your pain instead of comforting you.

3. They Use Fear and Intimidation

• They shout, threaten, and belittle to get what they want.

• Physical abuse or extreme punishments may be part of their control tactics.

• They create an environment where you are always afraid to upset them.

4. They Publicly Humiliate You

• They criticise and shame you in front of others.

• They may share your private struggles to make themselves look like “long-suffering parents.”

• They love making you feel small and powerless.

5. They Pit Siblings Against Each Other

• One child is the golden child (favoured) while another is the scapegoat (blamed for everything).

• They encourage jealousy, division, and competition among siblings.

• They thrive on family conflict because it keeps them in control.

6. They Refuse to Take Accountability

• They never admit when they are wrong.

• If confronted, they flip the situation and blame you.

• Apologies are rare or insincere, usually followed by excuses.

Signs of a Covert Narcissistic Parent

Covert narcissistic parents appear caring and loving, but beneath their surface, they are deeply manipulative and emotionally abusive. Their tactics are subtle, making them harder to recognise.

1. They Play the Victim Constantly

• Every disagreement turns into how you hurt them.

• They exaggerate their struggles to guilt-trip you.

• You feel responsible for their happiness, even when they mistreat you.

2. They Are Passive-Aggressive and Manipulative

• Instead of yelling, they use silent treatment, sarcasm, or guilt.

• They make snide comments disguised as jokes.

• They never express their anger openly but make you “pay” in other ways.

3. They Expect You to Prioritise Their Needs Over Yours

• Your feelings and dreams take a backseat to their desires.

• You are expected to sacrifice your happiness for them.

• If you set boundaries, they accuse you of being ungrateful.

4. They Use Guilt to Control You

• “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?”

• “I gave up my whole life for you.”

• “You’re the reason I’m so stressed/sick/unhappy.”

5. They Are Overly Image-Conscious

• They care deeply about what others think, even at your expense.

• They pretend to be the “perfect parent” in public.

• They use your achievements to boost their image, but downplay your struggles.

6. They Dismiss or Downplay Your Pain

• When you express emotions, they tell you to “get over it” or “stop being dramatic.”

• They refuse to acknowledge past abuse or hurt they caused.

• They act like your trauma never happened and expect you to do the same.

The Impact of Narcissistic Parents on Their Children

Being raised by a narcissistic parent can have long-term consequences, including:

• Chronic low self-esteem – Feeling like you are never enough.

• People-pleasing tendencies – Always trying to keep others happy at your own expense.

• Fear of failure – Because mistakes were never tolerated.

• Struggles with boundaries – Never learning how to say no.

• Emotional numbness – Suppressing feelings to avoid conflict.

• Difficulty in relationships – Either attracting toxic partners or struggling with trust.

Many children of narcissists grow up feeling lost, unworthy, and emotionally exhausted because they were never allowed to be their true selves.

How to Heal from a Narcissistic Parent

Healing from a narcissistic parent is possible, but it requires effort. Here’s how you can start:

1. Recognise the Abuse for What It Is

• Stop making excuses for them.

• Acknowledge that their behaviour was harmful.

• Understand that it was never your fault.

2. Set Firm Boundaries

• You are not obligated to tolerate their mistreatment.

• Reduce contact if necessary, especially if they refuse to change.

• Learn to say no without guilt.

3. Seek Therapy and Support

• Healing from narcissistic abuse requires deep emotional work.

• Therapy can help you unlearn toxic patterns.

• Join support groups or talk to others who understand.

4. Work on Rebuilding Your Identity

• Rediscover who you are outside of their expectations.

• Pursue your own interests, goals, and dreams.

• Learn to trust yourself again.

5. Strengthen Your Relationship with Allah

• Allah sees your pain, even if no one else does.

• He is Al-‘Adl (The Most Just) and will bring justice, whether in this life or the next.

• Seek comfort in Du’ā, Dhikr, and reciting the Quran to heal your heart.

Having a narcissistic parent—whether malignant or covert—can deeply wound a child. But you are not powerless.

Your life does not have to be a continuation of their toxic cycle. You can break free, heal, and build a life filled with love, peace, and self-worth.

Do not let their abuse define you. You are more than the pain they caused. And most importantly, remember: Allah sees everything. He knows what you endured, and He will never abandon you.

Understanding the Difference

It’s also important to recognise that narcissistic parents are intentional in their behaviour. There is a difference between parents who may have caused trauma due to their own struggles or lack of awareness and those who are intentionally malicious and abusive. Narcissistic parents use their children as tools to fulfil their own needs, showing a lack of empathy and a need to maintain control. Their behaviour is calculated and manipulative, whereas parents who may have caused unintentional harm typically display remorse or try to make amends.

Understanding this distinction helps to recognise the true nature of the toxicity you may be dealing with and empowers you to take the necessary steps toward healing. You are not at fault for their behaviour, and healing begins with accepting the truth of your experiences, setting boundaries, and seeking support from those who understand.