The Link Between Codependency and Tale-Carrying: When People-Pleasing Becomes a Spiritual Trap

A codependent person often carries a deep fear of rejection, a need for approval, and an intense desire to be seen as good in everyone’s eyes. This need is so overwhelming that it can lead them to become a tale carrier—someone who shares information, carries messages between people, or speaks about others in ways that they believe will keep them in everyone’s good books.

At first, it might seem harmless. “I’m just helping.” “I don’t want anyone to be upset.” “I’m just trying to fix things.”

But in reality, this is a dangerous trap—both emotionally and spiritually.

The Hidden Dangers of Tale Carrying

1. It Feeds a False Sense of Self-Worth

A codependent person finds validation in being “the one everyone trusts.” They believe that if they can mediate, smooth things over, or be the go-between, then they are needed—and if they are needed, then they won’t be abandoned.

But this is an illusion. People don’t value the tale carrier—they value the drama, information, or emotional labor they provide. And the moment they stop delivering, they fear being discarded.

True self-worth doesn’t come from being the messenger of others’ problems—it comes from standing in your own truth, without needing approval.

2. It Creates a False Sense of Control

Codependents often feel powerless in their own lives, so they try to gain control in indirect ways—by managing people’s emotions, fixing conflicts, or sharing just enough to keep everyone happy.

But in reality, this is not control—it’s servitude to people’s opinions. The more you try to manage how others perceive you, the more you become a prisoner to their expectations.

3. It Leads to Ghibah (Backbiting) and Nameemah (Tale Carrying)

Islam warns severely against backbiting and carrying tales:

“Do not backbite one another. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would detest it. And fear Allah; indeed, Allah is Accepting of Repentance and Merciful.” (Surah Al-Hujurat 49:12)

“The tale carrier will not enter Jannah.” (Sahih Muslim)

A codependent may not intend to harm, but the habit of “keeping everyone happy” often leads them into gossip, revealing private matters, or fueling misunderstandings—because their priority is not truth, but approval.

4. It Becomes a Form of Self-Betrayal

When you constantly shape-shift to please others, you lose your own voice, your own values, and your own authenticity. You say things you don’t fully believe. You defend people who don’t deserve defending. You share things that aren’t yours to share, all because you fear being disliked.

But at what cost?

Every time you betray your own integrity for the sake of keeping the peace, you become more disconnected from yourself—and from Allah.

Breaking Free: Choosing Truth Over Approval

The cure to this cycle is deep inner work and tawakkul (trust in Allah).

• Seek validation from Allah, not people. Your worth is not in how many people like you, but in how sincere your heart is before Allah.

• Recognise that you are not responsible for managing others’ emotions. It is not your job to fix, smooth over, or ensure everyone gets along.

• Learn to sit with discomfort. Being silent when people expect you to talk. Walking away when people want you to take sides. Not explaining yourself when you are misunderstood. These are acts of strength.

• Choose integrity over approval. If speaking or sharing will lead to harm, walk away. If someone asks you to carry a message, don’t be the middleman. If a conversation is heading toward gossip, steer it elsewhere—or leave.

• Heal your inner wounds. Codependency is often rooted in childhood wounds—fear of abandonment, rejection, or disapproval. Seek therapy, reflection, and deep spiritual work to heal these patterns.

Who Are You Living For?

The deeper question to ask yourself is: Who am I living for?

For the approval of people—who will never be fully satisfied no matter what you do?

Or for the approval of Allah, who sees the truth of your heart, your intentions, and your silent struggles?

The tale carrier gains momentary approval but loses peace.

The one who stands in truth may lose people, but they gain Allah.

And in the end, isn’t that the only approval that truly matters?